Hi Reader,
In training, we regularly ask people to reflect on the leader behaviors that make them feel unwilling to speak up or share their opinion. The answer we hear most often is simple and sobering:
“I felt dismissed.”
That single phrase reminds us of a significant reality: people leaders have an outsized influence on whether others will share their best thinking with the team, or quietly hold it back. The way a leader responds in everyday moments shapes whether people feel safe to contribute, challenge, and add value.
This idea connects closely with a concept David Brooks writes about in his book How to Know a Person: the difference between diminishers and illuminators.
What’s a Diminisher?
Diminishers are not typically someone who is intentionally dismissing people. Most are capable, driven leaders who care deeply about outcomes and about their people. The issue is that their behaviors, often unintentionally, make others feel small, unseen, or insignificant.
When someone consistently feels dismissed, interrupted, or minimized, psychological safety erodes. And without psychological safety, people protect themselves. They share less, take fewer risks, and offer only what feels safe instead of what might be valuable.
What’s an Illuminator?
Illuminators operate differently. They bring a persistent curiosity about people. They ask thoughtful questions. They slow down long enough to really see the person in front of them. They notice bids for connection and lean in.
Illuminators make others feel bigger, not smaller. People leave conversations feeling understood, respected, and energized. They create an environment where people feel invited into creating something better.
Illuminators don’t just listen for information, they listen for meaning. They don’t rush to control the outcome. They create space for people to think, wrestle, and grow. Over time, this way of leading compounds. Teams become more open, ideas surface earlier, trust deepens, and ownership expands.
Ways You May Be Unknowingly Diminishing
Most leaders who diminish others don’t realize they’re doing it. It's not usually a big dramatic moment. More likely it's a number of small ways a leader has made someone feel insignificant. The gap between intent and impact can be big, especially when we’re busy, under pressure, or operating on autopilot. To begin analyzing where you might be diminishing people, consider the following tendencies for yourself.
You solve instead of stay curious. When someone brings a challenge and you immediately fix it, you may unintentionally communicate that their thinking isn’t needed or trusted. Experience and decisiveness are certainly strengths, but when leaders consistently jump to the solution, team members slowly learn that their thinking doesn’t really shape the outcome.
You interrupt, when you think you are being additive. Finishing someone’s sentence or redirecting mid-thought may feel efficient or enthusiastic to you, but it often feels dismissive to the person speaking.
You unintentionally label people.
“They’re not strategic.”
“They always overthink.”
“They’re not a strong communicator.”
Even when these labels stay internal, they subtly shape how we respond.
None of these behaviors make someone a bad leader. They simply reflect how easy it is to drift into diminishing patterns without realizing it. Awareness is the first step toward becoming more illuminating.
3 Ways to Be an Illuminator
Becoming an illuminator doesn’t require a personality change. It requires a few intentional shifts in how you show up in everyday interactions.
Here are three simple practices that make a meaningful difference:
1. Slow the conversation down. Resist the urge to jump to the answer or close the loop too quickly. Let people fully finish their thoughts. Allow a little silence. Often the best thinking emerges just after the pause. People process at different speeds, and we shouldn’t create a dynamic where only people who process the fastest are considered.
2. Lead with genuine curiosity. Curiosity communicates respect and opens space for real contribution. Ask questions that invite people to go deeper:
- “What’s most important to you about this?”
- “What might we be missing?”
- “Help me understand how you’re seeing this.”
3. Name and affirm the value you see. When someone offers an idea, effort, or perspective, reflect back what you appreciate or what stood out. Feeling seen builds confidence and encourages people to keep contributing.
These small behaviors, practiced consistently, reshape how safe and energized people feel around you.
The Impact on your Team
When leaders consistently show up as illuminators, something significant shifts on teams. People speak more freely and ideas surface earlier. Hard conversations become safe and teams learn faster and adapt more effectively. Conversely, when diminishing behaviors go unchecked, energy quietly drains from the team.
The difference between diminishing and illuminating rarely shows up in big dramatic moments. It’s shaped in hundreds of small interactions every week. Those moments quietly determine whether your team brings you their best thinking, or keeps it to themselves.
-Shaun & Joe
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