Hi Reader,
If we care about building a healthy culture, accountability shouldn’t feel like the enemy.
And yet, it often does. In our work coaching leaders, we see it all the time: Leaders who deeply care about creating a connected, high-trust environment often struggle the most when it comes to addressing the very behaviors that are holding their team back.
They want to foster a culture of care and belonging. They want people to feel safe, valued, and supported. But when it’s time to address underperformance or disruptive behavior, even the best leaders can hesitate.
And that hesitation is understandable. Accountability conversations are rarely easy. But without them, the culture we are trying to build starts to quietly erode.
Why do we put off Accountability Conversations?
We believe this is more than just a skill-based leadership challenge, it requires self-discovery and honest reflection about our own tendencies. One framework that can shed light on this is Self-Determination Theory, which suggests we avoid these conversations not simply because they’re uncomfortable, but because they can feel like a threat to our core psychological needs.
Relatedness: We worry the conversation will damage the relationship or create disconnection. We fear being seen as harsh or uncaring, and we want to preserve harmony.
Competence: We don’t feel equipped to give direct feedback in a way that will be heard. We fear handling it poorly or making things worse, which challenges our sense of effectiveness.
Autonomy: We fear taking away the other person’s sense of agency. We worry the conversation will feel controlling, and that we will strip them of choice and dignity.
These are human, understandable concerns. But in waiting to protect ourselves from these perceived threats, we often allow patterns that harm the team to continue unchecked.
And in that waiting, the very culture we’re trying to protect quietly erodes.
The Reframe: Accountability as a Builder of Autonomy, Competence, and Relatedness
Here’s what’s often missed: When accountability conversations are done well, they don’t just avoid harming connection, competence, and autonomy, they actively strengthen them.
Relatedness: Clear, caring conversations show we respect the person enough to be honest with them. They demonstrate we value the relationship and the team enough to protect it from harmful patterns.
Competence: Thoughtful feedback provides clarity on what’s working and what’s not, helping individuals grow and improve. It gives them the information they need to succeed.
Autonomy: True accountability invites the other person into ownership and choice about how to move forward. It clarifies expectations while respecting their agency in determining how to improve.
What can we do about it?
Here’s what we’ve seen help:
Normalize Accountability through Team-Developed Norms: Create norms, as a team, that encourage directness and timely feedback, prioritizing behaviors that disrupt team cohesion and trust
Build Muscle Memory by Starting Small
These conversations don’t get easier by avoiding them. They get easier through practice. Start with small, clear feedback moments to build the muscle.
Pair Accountability with Support
The goal isn’t to punish. It’s to invite growth by bringing clarity to what’s getting in the way of our effectiveness and trust as a team, and partnering on how to move forward together. This doesn’t mean using a “compliment sandwich”, which can feel insincere, but it does mean pairing honesty with the support needed for growth.
Consider the Whole Team, not just the Individual: Addressing harmful or misaligned behavior is an act of care for the whole team. Sometimes leaders get stuck over analyzing the impact on the individual they want to address. In the process, they completely miss that the behavior is impacting the whole team.
Accountability is Care
Accountability conversations aren’t easy, but they are one of the clearest ways we show care for our teams, our mission, and each other.
When we avoid them, we may protect temporary comfort, but we sacrifice long-term trust and health. When we step into them with clarity and compassion, we don’t just address issues, we build a culture where people can grow, contribute, and belong.
We don’t have to choose between care and accountability. Done well, accountability is care.
If you’d like to build rhythms and frameworks that help your team normalize accountability while strengthening culture, we’d love to help.
- Shaun & Joe
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